2.a i do what i care
“I do what I care” says Pippi Longstocking, the wildest ever.
I want to do things mostly for “delikız”s out there, those who have been called delikız (mad girl) or just something like deli (mad) simply because they do what they care rather than what is expected from them, even if it feels alone.
When I loved you I thought I’m not alone.
Once my uncle said that if I was a boy I would be a disastrous force. nO Way. I think it is exactly “being a girl” that made me be a disastrous force;;; even studying engineering was once a disaster for many, even being good at electronics was a disaster for many, even knowing how good I am was a disaster for many. But if I was a boy that would also be disastrous for many ofc, for other reasons tho (I’d be the gayest boy ever).
Once I had this internship at a way-too-respected tech company in Turkey, I wore heels for the first day and made jokes, the team I was assigned for ignored me, telling me I should read this one book for the whole month. I had to insist them to show me an example code until they did on the second day. Same day, I gave them the finished code that was supposed to be written in a month (it was not that difficult tho). In a week, the director of the whole branch came to my desk to offer me a job (that was so cute, you should’ve seen how confused he was). I didn’t even think twice before rejecting it happily.
My coach asked me “are you mad?”. No, not even a little bit, I just don’t really care about microchips that much and Ankara is such a serious city full of malls with stupidly positioned escalators and I actually want to do POP music.
2.b and i do it wrong
“WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?” asks my father frequently when I’m around and then goes back drinking tea carefreely.
I have so many awkward memories where I do things wrong (let’s say 70% knowingly or 30% unknowingly).
I’ve been failing hard to do POP. In Het HEM I performed my songs not noticing that my autotune was programmed in the wrong key (ironic), the videos sound awful. + I had technical problems for each set I had last year, something always failed and I couldn’t solve it. + I lived in the Hague which is even worse than Ankara.
Still, isn’t it wonderful to be off/*wrong* at times? Let’s go through some moments from the first year so you have an idea:::
-in a field recording trip, I recorded (only with a phone in the pocket of my jacket) me fighting to myself for 4 hours
-in a critical art study department in NL where we read Foucault in class, my first presentation started with a Pippi Longstocking quote
-I used an elevator as my presentation place, 21 people inside. facilities got mad. it was a grief party.
-for a theory assignment that needed my presence in the classroom, I danced to intense Turkish pop songs on the roof for 4-5 hours, class being able to watch me dance from the window at a distance.
-I had a filthy-dirty-messy lunch table as an installation with no concepts behind, I just wanted the memory and the offness of it in the exhibition. I kicked plates when people were sitting at the table. Because of my dress, my ass was a bit too close to some.
-I read out loud a poem about masturbation in my final presentation. I had golden memes. And a though crowd.
-We made Noise&Pop music with Charlene. And later I used chimes as the main instrument for a song.
-My booklet’s cover was from glass because I want to make a fragile/dangerous book that can actually break and cut. + glass is AMORPHOUS.
2.c i hit and i miss, i don’t care i love it
“What makes my poetry “poetry” are my mistakes, flaws and incompetence.” says Didem Madak.
Pleasing others’ aesthetic values in art studies, trying not to make a mess has been boring me. In daily life, things get messy because of life (unmade bed, fallen ice creams on asphalt, a nonsensically placed treadmill in our grandma’s kitchen, a cramped metro elevator where everyone’s deeply uncomfortable and silent), we always try to get rid of the mess but the mess itself is so real and original. So, although I have to clean later, let me just make a mess. Like noone’s gonna watch me or read me or judge me. let’s celebrate and be one of the amateurs who can cross limits that needs to be crossed. because I agree with Madak,, what makes my poetry poetry are my mistakes flaws and incompetence in the end.
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